Melancholy

 Melancholy &  

My Sad Star Poems

My Sad Star. 

I face it. I’m here to talk

No. I’m not running away.

Come and hold my hand.

Come sit quietly, like my sorrow,  close to me,

let’s have a talk.

I once too was a child, and I once too was young, 

just like you.

But like everything in life, 

Time too passes by…

I was young and lost once. I ran from everything then,

I have my regrets; not stopping

for anything, not even 

to take a short breath.

Ignoring what 

an unplanned trip, vacation,

a new house, or a new town could truly mean for me and everyone else, and not thinking on what 

I was trying to run away from.

I was running from the tides, the permanent surges 

of sorrow and dark bad memories that 

like pasta sauce splattered against my walls. Everything touched and got too close to, turned like a bad ancient curse into alarming dreams, nightmares, caos, and sorrows. 

And it all landed wastefully at the shore

and the corners of my tired eyes. Nightmares I can’t explain. Memories that once were lost. A pain I couldn’t hide.  A pain that has returned. 

I was happy once. I was happy then, until I wasn’t happy no more. I’m still not happy today. But I had stopped running away and hiding from my own destiny. I’m facing my current life and  my poor fate…

 But my dear, how can I explain myself? 

I was different then. I wasn’t strong nor mature. I was like a nomad, a Gypsy without her home.

I only wanted to keep running and hide from all my pain I carried hidden inside, 

a past of anger, hate, pain, and nightmares, no young person should ever have.

But I dragged you, my loved ones, in it without noticing it. We were all restless and moved around as if we were Travelers and Gypsies moving from place to place. seeking to find something, maybe ourselves,

and just a bit of love and hope on the way.

But it all was a futile trade 

no moving no changes, no matter how small or big, ever brought us any real peace. 

Our heart remained broken, unsettled and our soul disturbed. 

Our word and actions showed it. 

It wasn’t a secret no more, 

You and I broken, maybe I was more, like an ugly broken little doll.

We parted was, breaking me even more. 

Nothing calmed my soul then.

But it wasn’t your fault.

Nothing could soothe my troubled young spirit.

Nothing could bring me 

real happiness. 

What we call true happiness and joy dissipated from our lives, it scattered away like shadows into the night and no matter how hard we tried, the shadows of our sorrows had engulfed us both.

But how I can blame you now. When I can see that it was me who ran the most and who lost the most. 

I was running like there was no tomorrow. I ran from something that wouldn’t let me be free, even if I climbed the tallest rock or tree. 

Even if I ran and jumped out the tallest cliff. My life was not my own… My life was never my own.

So life became my cliff, 

And you my safety backpack or parasitic parachute .

I would hold onto you with all my strength even when I knew I needed to let you go! 

I couldn’t let you go…

   

Melancholy

Tears and fights.

Fights and more tears,

white or black lies

And many unkept promises coming from both sides. 

You probably learned to hide things and lie. 

You learned to be spiteful and probably learned to hate, and keep your anger locked inside

Just like I did.

But I gave all I could give

to keep you happy, safe, and near me. Yet I was toxic and I was despised by those I loved.

In this long melancholic life 

I had few incandescent moments of happiness and joy 

that never lasted long enough. A glimpse of a dream life. A taste of what happiness really was. Family, love, friends, all…

But the joy was gone too fast.

A struggle to survive;

A computer or journal to save memories I hoped will forever last, and lots of stories, both good and bad. 

Beautiful and sad stories, both present and past.

A poem , a letter, a pen.

Blank pages in that unwritten book of our lives…

A ledger that never balanced.

A falling ceiling and a bad roof.

A home with sidings, a playground, a pool and a garden, and a townhome, by a lake, that you once claimed made you afraid, and that is no longer our own. A life full of short trips and travels. 

Full with rapidly gone happy memories of joy. 

A portrait of a perfect family, minus the alcohol and arguments! 

We lived a lie, a life we couldn’t afford. 

Plenty of trips and vacations,

Expensive leather coats,

Fancy clothes, and many cars,

A mirage of food, alcohol, treats for all,

and pretty red rose bouquets.

Clothes, shoes, toys, many useless gadgets, video games, and everything the American dollar could buy. We lived the American Dream!

But melancholy was always hidden lurking at the best moment to throw in its red of darkness and its forever gray cloud. 

More and more fights emerged from all sides. I was the only guilty in the end. 

As usual and expected, less love and more pretensions of perfection and togetherness was all we got. It wasn’t your fault. It was no one’s or everyone’s fault that we wanted to glue and keep tight together what was already broken, done with and gone…

What was left of it all?

Only debts, more fights, more lies, plenty of hidden tears, and less hope. 

Melancholy’s cloud surrounded us all.

Then when everything 

was over, 

you showed up.

Miracle Child!

God sent you to us  

like a tiny seed growing in me.

A son, I had prayed so much for before.

One last chance at faith 

and hope. 

Yet a cloud of uncertainty and fear overwhelmed me as I almost lose my first and only son.

But God was good and you were born and grew up with lots of love, just like your siblings did before.

You were my all. I was your dear loving mom. Now you barely speak to me.

But know this my child. 

You are and were always loved!

I will give the shirt from my back for you, to dry those tears 

when you cry, like you’re crying now.

My children please know this, 

Hate and anger only hurt ourselves. 

If there’s something to forgive. Forgive it & forget!

And forgive me for not showing  as much love or better life lessons and tips as I probably should have.

I grew up with very little to have it to give…

My heart was just pile of coal and burnt ashes 

still burning, but very slow,

too slow and too painful for me to even breathe or show that 

I really cared sometimes, 

And that I loved you all with all my heart. 

I imagined actions were better that words; but no one wanted another trip together, another photo smiling, or even another hug…

To you I didn’t earned it.

I always had to earn your love…

It was a competition of who could earn more love or who could buy more gratitude; most of the time I lost. 

He always won! 

He was the king in our caged kingdom. 

And I was and still am for the 3 of you the bad witch…

Many tear I’ve cried

Because of life, not because of you….

Tears, broken hearts, 

broken promises, 

and many fights.

Fights and more tears, 

white sweet lies.

and broken promises.

Shattered hearts

like a broken wine glass.

Now that I’m gone…

That I ran one last time,

there is this deep melancholy for all the time lost.

I know life it’s short 

And I will soon be gone 

my kids, my children,

Life is not promised forever.

Forgive and forget!

And believe!

Hug more. 

Love more.

Forgive more.

Believe more. 

Live more.

And try to cry less…

My motto:

Love,

Laugh, & 

Live, or Leave…

But always try your best! Meanwhile I will work through a 

Shattered heart

like a broken wine glass.

Melancholy.

A persistent sad star

peering through my eyes.

Your saddened face;

A permanent sketch in my book; a picture on my wall.

My own melancholy star...

My last trip ahead, 

My North Star…